Is your wife spending too much time pursuing that MBA degree? Has she suddenly changed her wardrobe?
Does she seem to be closer to her male friends than she is to you?
Has she become distant, ignores you and resists your séxual overtures?
If any of your answers to these questions are yes, then there is a
high likelihood that there is another man in your woman’s life, a survey
commissioned by The Standard on Sunday reveals.
The survey, conducted by Infotrak Research and Consulting shows a
growing number of women, driven by fears within their marriages,
conflicts with their spouses, lack of séxual satisfaction, a need for
extra money, revenge as well as peer pressure, end up in the arms of the
other man.
“As husbands strive to look for resources and make investments they
ignore the emotional needs of their wives,” Nairobi based sociologist
Loice Okello said.
Ms Okello says a lack of communication on emotional and séxual
matters is the leading reason why women would seek solace in the arms of
another man.
“Too much pressure makes them grow apart. People don’t communicate with each other on emotional and séxual needs.”
Lesser evil
Okello says in most cases, the women end up dealing with a younger man.
“They get what they are lacking from a younger man, or a workmate.
Generally from people over whom they have authority like younger
academic aides or drivers,” the sociologist says.
The Infotrak survey shows that although infidelity is highly scorned
upon, it is more discreet among women but men open up to tell their
stories.
“For some men, it is considered as some sort of badge of honour among
peers. They will openly talk about it. But women will not reveal it
even to their closest of confidants,” George Ouko, the Catholic
University of Eastern Africa psychologist, said.
Ouko says it is largely because the society condemns the woman more than it does the man.
“It is one of those evils that society unfairly deems lesser if
committed by a man and more aggravating if by a woman,” Ouko explains.
The church, which is regarded by many as being at the forefront of
the morality war, agrees that infidelity within the institution of
marriage, and particularly cases of wives looking outward for
fulfillment are, like many other evils, on the rise.
“This is an area which even we as the church are at war with,”
Gilbert Jumba of the Christ is Alive Ministries told The Standard on
Sunday.
Pastor Jumba says infidelity is brought about by different expectations that the two individuals have about marriage.
“Women look for an Adonis in their husbands and downplay the rough
edges. But once she starts to notice the imperfections she may look
outside, forgetting that none of us are perfect and it is in the
understanding of these imperfections that joy will be derived,” he said.
Constant lies
The survey notes that women get into marriage for financial support,
love or to escape the pressures of society once they get to a certain
age. When any of these are under threat, solutions are sought elsewhere.
From a Christian perspective, pastor Jumba says for a marriage to work, it must be set on the foundation of godliness.
But what are the other factors that drive a wife towards a path of infidelity?
The survey indicates that the reasons that come up mostly in
infidelity cases among women is a lack of responsibility on the part of
the husband, a lack of trust between the couple, a lack of
understanding, constant lies and lack of respect and dishonesty.
And that in all likelihood, a cheating spouse will find all the things that lack in the marriage in a younger man.
“In most cases they don’t get involved with older men. They meet the
financial obligations of a younger man in exchange for some emotional
and physical satisfaction,” Okello says.
From a professional’s point of view, if your wife is furthering her
education, the anatomy of the other man in her life would be as follows:
A university student who offers research assistance, proposal writing
and is good at technology. In the process this emotionally starved wife
eventually develops a liking for the young man.
They meet after work and late into the evening during alleged discussion group sessions.
Forgivable evil
“With time, the fondness towards the other man increases, but so does the distance between her and her husband,” she says.
And once the couple gets to this bridge, crossing it is never an easy thing to do.
The survey indicates that upon the discovery of infidelity couples react differently.
For instance, both men and women aged 40 years and above look at infidelity as a forgivable evil.
They will be willing to talk about it with the cheating spouse, with
the woman willing to confront the other woman and talk things over.
Before the woman makes a major decision, such as walk out of the
marriage, she will consult widely but in most cases they tend to hold on
to the marriage.
The man will most likely marry another woman, as an alternative to what he thinks is a “disrespectful woman” who cheated on him.
“These women give dialogue a chance,” Ouko said. “According to them,
what they have built over the years is more important than walking
away.”
For women aged below 40 years, there’s no room for a straying husband.
In June this year, Faith Wairimu Maina told a court that she conspired to murder her husband John Muthee Guama.
She pleaded for forgiveness for her deed explaining that her husband
was a drunkard who neglected taking care of their two children and that
he also cheated on her.
According to the survey, for women at this age, cheating is
unforgivable. They confront the man and the other woman and even beat
her up.
They may even resolve to kill the man at the centre of the triangle and end the marriage.
But if they stay, they will most likely turn to cheating as a form of
revenge against the husband. In the murder case, Wairimu later recanted
her testimony and her husband dropped all charges against her.
Men aged above 40 have no time for dialogue with a cheating spouse.
They beat their wives, sometimes to death and disrespect them.
To even matters out, they will actively look for another woman,
justifying their action on the fact that they were cheated on first. For
them, divorce cannot come quick enough.
So what happens when a cheating spouse is literally caught pants down?
The men will in most cases blame the devil for their misfortune and
use reverse psychology. Some might end up beating the woman and blaming
the whole event on them.
Others will intimidate their partners, become apathetic and threaten to marry another woman.
When busted, women tend to be remorseful, apologetic and eventually
open up to the reason behind their involvement in cheating on their
husbands.
Marital violence
Marriage counselor Agnes Yatich says scenarios of accusations of
infidelity among married couples play out all too often in her office.
“The sad thing is that it is now both ways. An equal amount of
husbands are rightly accusing their wives of infidelity. It is even
sadder when you explore the reasons,” Ms Yatich says.
“Some wives are just bored, looking for a fizz in their lives. But majority do it for revenge.”
As a result, she says, homes are broken, relationships lost, chronic
illnesses contracted and most importantly in cases where children are
involved, they grow up with relationship issues.
“If it is the father at fault, the girls will in most cases grow up
with daddy issues and vice versa. Possibly creating a vicious cycle of
distrust and marital violence and abuse,” Yatich says. “It may sound
like a cliché, but it is never worth it.”
But it is not all doom and gloom. “Infidelity is not a sickness. It is a life event.
It is a choice people have been making for ages and it will continue to exist among us,” psychologist Dr Frank Njenga said.
Mrs Yatich says infidelity is a slippery slope and that anyone in a
marriage should grab on to anything within his or her reach to avoid
going down that path.
“It’s the little things that make a difference. Husbands should man
up and play their role as the head of the house in all aspects physical
and emotional.
“Treat her right and you will have no cause for worry,” she says. But
Ndiritu Njoka of the Maendeleo ya Wanaume, has lost all hope in the
institution of marriage.
Tamed heart
“These women are all evil. They make us raise kids we have not
fathered. They cheat and we would be lucky to know because of how
secretive they are,” Ndiritu says.
“For women, marriage is just for convenience, if they see something
shinier outside the house they will chase after it. Men should not be
too attached and emotional over women.”
The survey, however, provides a more scientific conclusion. Majority
of the respondents agreed that infidelity remains one of the biggest
hindrances to a happy marriage. And that fidelity remains a key
cornerstone of a successful union.
Pastor Jumba weighs in with a spiritual perspective:
“Marriage takes hard work. Your heart, spirit and morals need to be
tamed…and if for some reason a couple starts growing apart, they should
always consider talking to intermediaries,” he says.
